Thursday, April 5, 2012

Control

Chatting with a coworker / pseudo friend at work today and he made a comment that left me with much to ponder. It was to the effect of “It’s amazing to me how much control you have over your own life, and how much control you expect to have over others.” It was early when he made the remark, and my immediate response was “Thank you.” He looked at me with something that may have been confusion, then went along his way. Later in the morning, as my mind wandered back to the conversation leading up to his revelation, I began to dissect, contort, and construe things (much as I am prone to do with EVERY conversation at some point). Here are a few of the thoughts that I pieced together from the maze that is my mind…..
The control I have over my own life is no accident. It didn’t just happen, and I certainly wasn’t raised in a climate that would precipitate an orderly existence. Quite the opposite as a matter of fact. My formidable years were spent with “parents”, and please note I use that term loosely here, who were both raging alcoholics and drug addicts. One of my first memories from childhood is my mother coming home from the night shift at KFC round 5am ~ both she and my ‘father’ chose illustrious careers in the fast food industry. My sister and I, approximately 4 and 6 when this particular memory transpires, were awake after having been left at home alone all night. It was a weekend, and we watched Sammy Terry around midnight, ate junk food all night after that, and took turns sleeping on the couch for a few hours while the other stood sentinel. We were young but not stupid. Living in the white trash ghetto part of town is scary even for pre-k kids…. So yes, my mother came in from work at the crack of dawn, promptly fell to the floor in the front room, screamed something to the effect of “don’t want anymore coke tonight!” and began convulsing. Such was my childhood. I relay this story not to garner sympathy or pity, but for illustration purpose and frame of reference only.
My teenage years were spent being the consummate wild child. Sex, drugs, rock n roll. Typical, considering. My early 20’s were a downward spiral into self hatred and depression, the likes of which will fill up many other pages at some point, but are not necessarily relevant for this story.
At the ripe old age of 25 my ‘father’ came out as a homosexual, sending everyone in the family into a tailspin. Except for me, that is. I was not in the least bit surprised. This hard man spent his life running from everything, most of all himself and his family, whom he so obviously loathed. The pieces fell into place immediately and I saw the full picture for the first time. The life time of abuse at his hands was suddenly identifiable at its root cause. Please note I did not forgive him for his hideous and atrocious transgressions against myself, my sister, and my mother. But I understood.
It was at that point in my life that I took control. I began to live the life I wanted to live, not the life I felt doomed to struggle through. I cleaned up my life, literally and figuratively. I spent the rest of my 20’s ridding myself of toxic relationships, life patterns, and negative energy. Suffice to say this was no easy task, but I dare say self exploration rarely (if ever) is. I came to many realizations about who I am, was, and wanted to be. First and foremost, I wanted to be in control. Always. Of myself and all that entailed. My emotions, my actions, my relationships, my finances, my health, my existence. This is an ongoing process and I know my journey is far from over. But that doesn’t bother me in the least.
So that sums up (in my estimation) his remark about being in control of my own life.
The bit about my expectation of control over others was another succinct and valid observation from him. In a nutshell, this is why I identify so much with the Dominant role in BDSM. I have spent the better part of a decade constructing a life in which I am confident, comfortable, and for the first time in my life, HAPPY. I have no time for those that are flailing. I’m aware that sounds harsh, but offer no apology for it. If someone seeks me out for guidance or support I offer it freely and fully and with as little judgment as a human being is capable of operating with. If I am attracted to someone, they are most often, if not always, a person that wants to turn over control of themselves on some level.
I have been aware of these things, these parts of myself, for quite some time. Hearing them spoken out loud by someone I consider a passing acquaintance was enlightening. It shows me that while I’m still searching and exploring the clockwork inside of me, the person I make known to the world is very much a womyn I have always desired to be.