Sunday, September 2, 2012

30 Days of Dominance ~ Day 2

Describe what you are looking for in a submissive and the techniques you might use to instill those characteristics in your submissive. Are you exclusively Dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you Dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you Dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

The qualities I look for in all people/partners/subs are basically the same: trustworthy, honest, ability to communicate openly, intelligent, minimal drama, productive member of society, creative, independent, positive outlook on most things, helpful, organized, funny, and not batshit insane.

I’m not Dominant in my marriage at all ~ Werewolf and I don’t have a power exchange, we are very much 50/50 partners in everything.

I tend to be Dominant in most areas of my everyday life such as work, vanilla relationships, etc, so I don’t think it is a scene specific part of my personality. I am a planner and often take charge of situations when there is the need for a leader.

With the exception of Werewolf, I would say I am Dominant with all my partners. There’s some type of power exchange with everyone in my circle, even though there aren’t necessarily labels with most of them.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

30 Days of Dominance ~ Day 1

Does your Dominance ~ either what you practice or what you strive for ~ have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominance style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

I will start by saying that I had never heard of Taken in Hand or Domestic Discipline. Google quickly informed me that these are certainly NOT the type of dynamics that I have now, or ever want to have.

Of the terms listed, I feel most comfortable and confident with the label Dominant/submissive, although what I have with my boy is probably more accurately described as Sadist/masochist. There is a natural D/s dynamic between us that I haven’t had to work hard at developing or maintaining. he really needed little to no training at all in that area. The Sadist/masochist part of our relationship is what pleases me most, currently. As a female, it’s not always the easiest thing to admit that inflicting pain is a turn on. In civilized vanilla society, intentionally inflicting pain on another human is almost always unacceptable. Even more so for the ‘gentler’ of the species, or so we are taught from a young age. Having a partner that not only understands my need to physically accost him, but actually WANTS and ENCOURAGES that behavior is incredibly liberating. With a willing masochist, I feel my mask slips away and I am able to be more of who I really am.

I have Top/bottom dynamics with the rest of my play partners as there is little to no D/s involved. I feel when the dynamic is scene specific, Top/bottom is the best definition.

I consider Master/slave the equivalent of marriage in the BDSM world. I have never collared someone, as I feel that is the equivalent of a wedding ring. (I gave my boy a collar for our six month anniversary, but it was not with the intent of having him collared. It was a big step for me and a huge display of my trust in him, but it did not shift our dynamic to Owner/property or Master/slave.) These things are not out of the question in the future, but I’m nowhere near that level with anyone at this point. I tend to over intellectualize everything, so if/when I ever get to the point of Master/slave with someone it will most certainly be a life long commitment, just as my current marriage is.

So there’s day 1 down. Let’s see if I can actually do this every day for the month of Sept :)

Monday, July 23, 2012

Negotiations during a car ride. A love story.

“Do you want to discuss boundaries with her, or shall I do it?” I ask.
“What, like negotiate? You do it.  Please.”  He replies quickly.
“Fine. You can spank her but your cock stays in your pants.”
“Hmm. I might want to pull her hair and slap her around a bit too.” He changes lanes and steals a glance at me out of the corner of his beautiful blue eyes.
“If you start slapping her your cock will get hard. Then she’ll have to give you head.” I respond, exasperated.
“Head is good.” He smiles and shakes the head on his shoulders in the affirmative.
“Ok, but you have to skull fuck her. I mean really fucking hard.” My response makes his eyes bulge a bit but he recovers quickly.
“Sure babe.  Whatever you want.  I’ll choke her and make sure she pukes a little too, ok?” he says soothingly. 
My inner sadist is appeased.
“Agreed. Thank you for that!” I grin to myself and look out the window as the cars in rush hour traffic inch by.
“Gods, these are the conversations I have with my wife.  I love you!” he brakes for the stop light and reaches over to kiss my cheek.

Today, we’re both happy.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Six Things I Wish I'd Never Done

This one is hard for me, as I'm a firm believer that every moment of my life has paved the path to where I'm at now... and right now I'm happy.  In my opinion, changing anything would shift the balance and change EVERYTHING.  Butterfly effect if you will.  So there's the disclaimer. Having said that; here's my little list:

1.  Gave up on my relationship with Vomit while it was still salvageable.  I miss her friendship so much it is literally physically painful from time to time.  Realistically the damage was too severe and we were unhealthy for each other anyway, probably toxic.  But yea.  I miss that fucking bitch.  A lot.

2.  Started getting ghetto tattoos before I was old enough to go to a reputable shop.  I'm paying for that now in cover ups.  UGH.

3.  Dismissed 'M' so unceremoniously.  I played her pretty hard. Not cool.

4.  Dated David.  We were bff.  Sex *does* ruin some relationships.

5.  Drank so much in my 20's.  There are rather large periods of time that are blurry / hazy / furry in my memory.  I would like to remember them more clearly.

6.  Gotten arrested.  Gods that was stupid of me >.<

7.  Gained back so much of the weight I lost. Starting over sucks.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

7 things that cross my mind a lot

1.  How far space extends and what exactly 'infinite' means.

2.  What happens when this vessel I'm encapsulated in ceases to function.

3.  If he loves me like I love him.

4.  If she loves me like I love her.

5.  If I'll be able to conceive.

6.  When is my next tattoo session.

7.  When can I beat him again.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

8 Ways to win my heart

1.  Be creative.  Compose music, draw, paint, make jewelry, deconstruct and reconstruct clothing, write, sing.  If it's original and comes from your heart, I will love it.

2.  Be nice to the waiter/bartender/cashier.

3.  Hold doors open.  For me and for strangers.

4.  Compliment me.  I might know how you feel, but I need to hear the wurds.

5.  Kill the spiders.

6.  Surprise me.

7.  Public displays of affection.  Lots of them.

8.  Make me laugh.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Nine Things About Me

1.  People wear me out; mentally and physically.  It literally exhausts me to be around people for more than a few hours at a time.

2.  I have social anxiety.  It's not crippling, I'm able to work and go to the market and such; but I have often driven all the way to the doors of a social function then turned around and drove home without ever leaving the sanctuary of my vehicle.

3.  I try not to judge people but it is next to impossible.  I have so many preconceived notions and it's hard to ignore them.

4.  When I wear dresses/shirts that show my back I feel very exposed and naked, and it's because I don't have tattoos on that part of my body.  I want to get a large shoulder piece so I will feel more complete.

5.  The Stand by Stephen King is the only book I have ever finished then immediately turned back to page one to start reading again.

6.  I am sexually confident.  I don't feel ashamed of my body or the things that I do with myself and others to make myself sexually satisfied.

7.  I like to cause consensual pain.  I was violent in a very unhealthy way until my late 20's, when I discovered that there were people who enjoyed pain and would agree to let me hurt them.

8.  I had the spelling of my first name legally changed for purely aesthetic and artistic reasons.

9.  I fall in love with my husband at least twice a month.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Ten Things I'd like to say to someone right now:

1.  I used to wish you had been a good parent to me. Then I realized that would have changed who I am today, and I don't want to be anybody else. So thank you for sucking at life. You've made me stronger.

2.  I hate that you pretend you don't know me.  I want to punch you in the fucking face and rage and scream and throw things at you, anything for a reaction.  She doesn't love you like I did, and she never will.

3.  Quit drinking so much.  You're way more attractive sober.

4.  Your jealousy is flattering.  Now quit bothering me and grow the fuck up.

5.  I don't think I could live a single day without hearing you say my name.

6.  You are the best person I know.  If I could take your pain and sorrow and heart break away I would without a second thought.  You deserve to be happy, and I'm sorry life has dealt you such a shitty hand.  I believe the next time around you will be more blessed.  And I believe I will be there to share that with you too.

7.  I'm afraid to tell you how I feel about you because I think you would run away and hide. I'm relatively certain you feel the same.  I don't want to lose you, so I'll remain silent.

8.  I want you to live in my house, as my wife.  I know it's not plausible.  I know you love him more than you love me.  But you do love me.  Ignoring that fact won't make it go away.  I plan to kiss you before I die, so you should probably prepare yourself for that.

9.  I wish you were proud of me.  I wish I was enough for you.  I wish you understood that I can't help being this way, it's not a choice.  I hope you know how much I respect you.  You are the closest embodiment of the Goddess image in my eyes.

10. No matter who you become or what you do in life, I will always support your decisions.  I don't regret a single second of the time I spent with you. I wouldn't change one fucking thing about you. Not one.  You are perfect.  Please give yourself the love you deserve.  The world is a hard, cruel, and ugly place ~ but you make it better just by being alive.  Stay true to yourself no matter what the cost.  Those who love you will *always* love you, regardless of any circumstance.  You are the first unconditional love I've ever known and I thank you for teaching me compassion and patience.  I look forward to knowing you for the rest of my days.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

You care ~ the feelings overwhelm.
Frighten. Confuse. Hurt.
The pain is the best part. The most important.
You care so much it hurts. Masochism bleeds into the lust. And you relish the way it drips down around you in a puddle. Slippery and smelling of burning leaves.
You say you care and that you want it to be this way.
And more.
More of the same. MORE. Winding this scene forward and backward and along the side and down the path less traveled and up the mountains where you will thrash and scream and cry and beg and plead and rejoice because now NOW you have it.
You have more. Of me? Of her? Of yourself?
Living in this. It is no longer a choice. Because now you care.
So fuck you.


Because now I care too.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Control

Chatting with a coworker / pseudo friend at work today and he made a comment that left me with much to ponder. It was to the effect of “It’s amazing to me how much control you have over your own life, and how much control you expect to have over others.” It was early when he made the remark, and my immediate response was “Thank you.” He looked at me with something that may have been confusion, then went along his way. Later in the morning, as my mind wandered back to the conversation leading up to his revelation, I began to dissect, contort, and construe things (much as I am prone to do with EVERY conversation at some point). Here are a few of the thoughts that I pieced together from the maze that is my mind…..
The control I have over my own life is no accident. It didn’t just happen, and I certainly wasn’t raised in a climate that would precipitate an orderly existence. Quite the opposite as a matter of fact. My formidable years were spent with “parents”, and please note I use that term loosely here, who were both raging alcoholics and drug addicts. One of my first memories from childhood is my mother coming home from the night shift at KFC round 5am ~ both she and my ‘father’ chose illustrious careers in the fast food industry. My sister and I, approximately 4 and 6 when this particular memory transpires, were awake after having been left at home alone all night. It was a weekend, and we watched Sammy Terry around midnight, ate junk food all night after that, and took turns sleeping on the couch for a few hours while the other stood sentinel. We were young but not stupid. Living in the white trash ghetto part of town is scary even for pre-k kids…. So yes, my mother came in from work at the crack of dawn, promptly fell to the floor in the front room, screamed something to the effect of “don’t want anymore coke tonight!” and began convulsing. Such was my childhood. I relay this story not to garner sympathy or pity, but for illustration purpose and frame of reference only.
My teenage years were spent being the consummate wild child. Sex, drugs, rock n roll. Typical, considering. My early 20’s were a downward spiral into self hatred and depression, the likes of which will fill up many other pages at some point, but are not necessarily relevant for this story.
At the ripe old age of 25 my ‘father’ came out as a homosexual, sending everyone in the family into a tailspin. Except for me, that is. I was not in the least bit surprised. This hard man spent his life running from everything, most of all himself and his family, whom he so obviously loathed. The pieces fell into place immediately and I saw the full picture for the first time. The life time of abuse at his hands was suddenly identifiable at its root cause. Please note I did not forgive him for his hideous and atrocious transgressions against myself, my sister, and my mother. But I understood.
It was at that point in my life that I took control. I began to live the life I wanted to live, not the life I felt doomed to struggle through. I cleaned up my life, literally and figuratively. I spent the rest of my 20’s ridding myself of toxic relationships, life patterns, and negative energy. Suffice to say this was no easy task, but I dare say self exploration rarely (if ever) is. I came to many realizations about who I am, was, and wanted to be. First and foremost, I wanted to be in control. Always. Of myself and all that entailed. My emotions, my actions, my relationships, my finances, my health, my existence. This is an ongoing process and I know my journey is far from over. But that doesn’t bother me in the least.
So that sums up (in my estimation) his remark about being in control of my own life.
The bit about my expectation of control over others was another succinct and valid observation from him. In a nutshell, this is why I identify so much with the Dominant role in BDSM. I have spent the better part of a decade constructing a life in which I am confident, comfortable, and for the first time in my life, HAPPY. I have no time for those that are flailing. I’m aware that sounds harsh, but offer no apology for it. If someone seeks me out for guidance or support I offer it freely and fully and with as little judgment as a human being is capable of operating with. If I am attracted to someone, they are most often, if not always, a person that wants to turn over control of themselves on some level.
I have been aware of these things, these parts of myself, for quite some time. Hearing them spoken out loud by someone I consider a passing acquaintance was enlightening. It shows me that while I’m still searching and exploring the clockwork inside of me, the person I make known to the world is very much a womyn I have always desired to be.