Sunday, June 1, 2014

Beg(inning)

Her legs dangled over the edge of the tub, frozen in a jaunty position. It looked as if she were in an eternal swing dance pose ~ forever suspended in midair with her legs in the middle of the perfectly executed Lindy Hop.

…….finally……… the voice whispered in my mind.

“Finally.” I said aloud. The strangers and demons in the room turned to look at me curiously. No judgement, no condemnation. Just curiousity. Perhaps attempting to interpret the single word and its meaning.
I flung the crimson shower curtain sideways. The metal clinked and the fabric swooshed. The strangers and demons turned to focus on the new sounds filling the cavernous bathroom.  I was temporarily forgotten.


“Finally(finally)!” the voices in my mind and in my mouth joined forces to assert their agreement. Ascending toward the heavens, the word swirled and tumbled through the air. Moving slowly up and up and up. 

And out 
of me.
Finally.

Her death was my release. And I was not sad. I was not angry. I was not lost or hopeless or scared or any of the things ~
I was supposed to be.
I looked at the strangers and demons and smiled at them.

The looked back at me with sparkling yet vacant eyes. They agreed with the voices. Internal.
And external.
Finally it was done. She was gone. And I could breathe again.
 

Sunday, September 2, 2012

30 Days of Dominance ~ Day 2

Describe what you are looking for in a submissive and the techniques you might use to instill those characteristics in your submissive. Are you exclusively Dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you Dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you Dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

The qualities I look for in all people/partners/subs are basically the same: trustworthy, honest, ability to communicate openly, intelligent, minimal drama, productive member of society, creative, independent, positive outlook on most things, helpful, organized, funny, and not batshit insane.

I’m not Dominant in my marriage at all ~ Werewolf and I don’t have a power exchange, we are very much 50/50 partners in everything.

I tend to be Dominant in most areas of my everyday life such as work, vanilla relationships, etc, so I don’t think it is a scene specific part of my personality. I am a planner and often take charge of situations when there is the need for a leader.

With the exception of Werewolf, I would say I am Dominant with all my partners. There’s some type of power exchange with everyone in my circle, even though there aren’t necessarily labels with most of them.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

30 Days of Dominance ~ Day 1

Does your Dominance ~ either what you practice or what you strive for ~ have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominance style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

I will start by saying that I had never heard of Taken in Hand or Domestic Discipline. Google quickly informed me that these are certainly NOT the type of dynamics that I have now, or ever want to have.

Of the terms listed, I feel most comfortable and confident with the label Dominant/submissive, although what I have with my boy is probably more accurately described as Sadist/masochist. There is a natural D/s dynamic between us that I haven’t had to work hard at developing or maintaining. he really needed little to no training at all in that area. The Sadist/masochist part of our relationship is what pleases me most, currently. As a female, it’s not always the easiest thing to admit that inflicting pain is a turn on. In civilized vanilla society, intentionally inflicting pain on another human is almost always unacceptable. Even more so for the ‘gentler’ of the species, or so we are taught from a young age. Having a partner that not only understands my need to physically accost him, but actually WANTS and ENCOURAGES that behavior is incredibly liberating. With a willing masochist, I feel my mask slips away and I am able to be more of who I really am.

I have Top/bottom dynamics with the rest of my play partners as there is little to no D/s involved. I feel when the dynamic is scene specific, Top/bottom is the best definition.

I consider Master/slave the equivalent of marriage in the BDSM world. I have never collared someone, as I feel that is the equivalent of a wedding ring. (I gave my boy a collar for our six month anniversary, but it was not with the intent of having him collared. It was a big step for me and a huge display of my trust in him, but it did not shift our dynamic to Owner/property or Master/slave.) These things are not out of the question in the future, but I’m nowhere near that level with anyone at this point. I tend to over intellectualize everything, so if/when I ever get to the point of Master/slave with someone it will most certainly be a life long commitment, just as my current marriage is.

So there’s day 1 down. Let’s see if I can actually do this every day for the month of Sept :)

Monday, July 23, 2012

Negotiations during a car ride. A love story.

“Do you want to discuss boundaries with her, or shall I do it?” I ask.
“What, like negotiate? You do it.  Please.”  He replies quickly.
“Fine. You can spank her but your cock stays in your pants.”
“Hmm. I might want to pull her hair and slap her around a bit too.” He changes lanes and steals a glance at me out of the corner of his beautiful blue eyes.
“If you start slapping her your cock will get hard. Then she’ll have to give you head.” I respond, exasperated.
“Head is good.” He smiles and shakes the head on his shoulders in the affirmative.
“Ok, but you have to skull fuck her. I mean really fucking hard.” My response makes his eyes bulge a bit but he recovers quickly.
“Sure babe.  Whatever you want.  I’ll choke her and make sure she pukes a little too, ok?” he says soothingly. 
My inner sadist is appeased.
“Agreed. Thank you for that!” I grin to myself and look out the window as the cars in rush hour traffic inch by.
“Gods, these are the conversations I have with my wife.  I love you!” he brakes for the stop light and reaches over to kiss my cheek.

Today, we’re both happy.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Six Things I Wish I'd Never Done

This one is hard for me, as I'm a firm believer that every moment of my life has paved the path to where I'm at now... and right now I'm happy.  In my opinion, changing anything would shift the balance and change EVERYTHING.  Butterfly effect if you will.  So there's the disclaimer. Having said that; here's my little list:

1.  Gave up on my relationship with Vomit while it was still salvageable.  I miss her friendship so much it is literally physically painful from time to time.  Realistically the damage was too severe and we were unhealthy for each other anyway, probably toxic.  But yea.  I miss that fucking bitch.  A lot.

2.  Started getting ghetto tattoos before I was old enough to go to a reputable shop.  I'm paying for that now in cover ups.  UGH.

3.  Dismissed 'M' so unceremoniously.  I played her pretty hard. Not cool.

4.  Dated David.  We were bff.  Sex *does* ruin some relationships.

5.  Drank so much in my 20's.  There are rather large periods of time that are blurry / hazy / furry in my memory.  I would like to remember them more clearly.

6.  Gotten arrested.  Gods that was stupid of me >.<

7.  Gained back so much of the weight I lost. Starting over sucks.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

7 things that cross my mind a lot

1.  How far space extends and what exactly 'infinite' means.

2.  What happens when this vessel I'm encapsulated in ceases to function.

3.  If he loves me like I love him.

4.  If she loves me like I love her.

5.  If I'll be able to conceive.

6.  When is my next tattoo session.

7.  When can I beat him again.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

8 Ways to win my heart

1.  Be creative.  Compose music, draw, paint, make jewelry, deconstruct and reconstruct clothing, write, sing.  If it's original and comes from your heart, I will love it.

2.  Be nice to the waiter/bartender/cashier.

3.  Hold doors open.  For me and for strangers.

4.  Compliment me.  I might know how you feel, but I need to hear the wurds.

5.  Kill the spiders.

6.  Surprise me.

7.  Public displays of affection.  Lots of them.

8.  Make me laugh.